


Faster

by neversaydie



Series: Somewhat Damaged [3]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, Clint Needs a Hug, M/M, Mania, Manic Episode, Mental Health Issues, Somewhat Damaged 'verse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-21
Updated: 2013-04-21
Packaged: 2017-12-09 02:37:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/768988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neversaydie/pseuds/neversaydie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The apartment's like a furnace, and Clint tells himself that's why he can't sleep. That the temperature is the reason his skin feels too small to contain all the lightbrightenergy inside it. That this is normal. That he's just fine.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Faster

**Author's Note:**

> As someone who's bipolar, I found this just a little triggery to write as far as manic thoughts. So if that's a problem for you then please proceed with caution!

The apartment's like a furnace, and Clint tells himself that's why he can't sleep. That the temperature is the reason his skin feels too small to contain all the _lightbrightenergy_ inside it. That this is normal. That he's just fine.

Phil feels the cold while Clint runs hot at the best of times, so the battle for control of the thermostat isn't one Clint's going to win. Especially not when Phil might actually make good on his threat to rig the dial with minor explosives if he comes home and the place is arctic again. So Clint tells himself it's the heat that's making him _twitchsquirmfidget_ his way forcibly into consciousness every time he so much as closes his eyes.

Blaming the heat is better than acknowledging that he's at the start of a manic episode. This is the edge of the cliff, and Clint's staring at the rocks below.

This is how they always start, he's figured out now that he's looking out for patterns instead of just waking up drunk three days after one begins. But he won't let it be one. It has to be the heat. Because if he's at the start of an episode then the pills aren't working, which means more doctors and adjusting to more medication that makes him shake and puke and doesn't fucking help and and and—

He doesn't realise Phil's awake until he feels the hand on his chest, pinning him to the bed with gentle pressure just below his racing heart.

"Hey, breathe."

"It's the heat. It's hot." Clint explains, cringing. His words are rushing over each other and giving him away, even if there was a chance Phil would believe his bullshit in the first place.

 _Pressured speech is a symptom_ , his brain supplies.

"Kept waking me up. It's just the heat. I'm fine. I'm fine."

"Okay." Phil doesn't push. Phil kisses him on the temple and lets him hold onto the lie as Clint practically vibrates with the need to get out of bed and _runshootmove_.

"Love you, Phil." He blurts it out, because it's the truth and the truth won't keep its mouth shut when he's like this.

Even in the dark, he can see Phil's tired smile.

"Love you too."

"I'm fine." He has to insist, has to give it one more try.

"I know."

"I'm fine." Maybe if he says it enough times it will come true.

 _Magical thinking is a symptom_ , the little voice at the back of his head reminds him. He doesn't think that's what this is. Clint thinks this is just him, running on wishes and fumes.

"You are."

Phil's a calm centre to the chaos Clint brings around him, as always. Keeps a gentle hand on Clint's collarbone, ready to take it away if it gets annoying. Ready to give Clint what he needs, always.

"I'm fine."

His voice breaks the last time he says it, and he bites his lip to keep the rest of the words in, pushes the threatening tide back until he bleeds. He doesn't cry, because that's not what happens now. Instead, he fights against his adrenaline and tries to keep his thoughts from sliding out of his grasp, for a little while longer anyway.

"You're fine."

Clint startles a little when Phil takes over the mantra. He can't do it anymore, and Phil has picked up the slack because that's what he needs him to do. He whispers it, calmly, in a puff of breath at Clint's shoulder that feels cool in the apartment Sahara.

Clint breathes.

"You're fine."

Soon, he's going to have to get up and _runmoveshout_ , because he can't sit on this forever and he'll think it's a great idea. It's always the best idea in the world, until the aftermath. But for the next few seconds, at least, he can keep the haze at bay.

He doesn't trust himself, but he trusts Phil. He takes that knowledge in both hands and _clingsclingsclings_.

"You're fine."


End file.
